Attack of da Demon Vampire Pirates of da Firebbean
by junodog
Summary: Crack fic about the main characters of Naruto and the pirates mentioned in the title. I'm sorry. I am so very sorry.


Well, here's a fic that bamrd92 and I wrote. We're both fans of Naruto, and one day this summer, when she was in town, we were hanging out at her house, and between coloring in a Korean Naruto coloring book and looking at some of the stuff she'd written we decided to write a story together. We took turns, one of us writing at a time and such, and though we didn't finish it that day, we sent it back and forth via email with our updates until it was finally done. This is the beautiful result.

Warnings: This story involves mucho crack, some sexual references, possible fourth wall breakage, and has characters that aren't from Naruto. Also, keep in mind that we're not doing this to insult Naruto. We were bored and this turned out to be funny so we posted it.

IT BEGINS.

It was a beautiful day in the forest of death west of Konoha village. The two lovers, Sakura and Ino, were dancing together in traditional Konoha fashion, skipping over the roots and rocks of death as they sang in high-pitched voices to each other. They sang of puppies and unicorns and rainbows and shurikens and sugar and spice and everything nice and death. They were incredibly happy.

"I love you, Sakura!" Ino shouted as they finished, bowing to her love with one foot sticking in the air behind her. She liked to pretend she was a bird.

"I love you too, Ino!" Sakura shouted back. She was being eaten by a bear.

"OMG you are so totally being eaten alive! Run away, far away!" Ino yelled, being the scaredy cat she was.

"Wait!" Sakura yelled after her retreating lover. When Ino didn't turn back around she looked at the bear, "Alright, Naruto, you can take that mask off."

"What's the matter? Where'd she go?" Naruto asked stupidly since he was soooo stupid himself.

"Didn't you hear her run off, idiot?" Sasuke asked, standing up from behind Naruto in a big bear-body suit.

"Oh…" Naruto said stupidly. Yes he is so stupid he can say 'oh' stupidly.

"Well, now that she's gone, shall we go on our picnic?" Sakura asked.

"Certainly," Sasuke replied. He was feeling very British that day.

"Where's the picnic basket?" Naruto asked stupidly. He was feeling very stupid that day.

"It's over there," Sakura replied. They walked over to where the picnic basket was sitting on top of a dead tree trunk, with unicorns prancing gaily around it, and Sasuke picked it up.

"Well, chaps, shall we meander over to the forest road and take our afternoon tea by the riverside?" Sasuke asked.

"Sure, why not?" Sakura replied.

"We have a riverside by the road?" Naruto asked.

"Why, yes we do, you foolish fool," Sasuke answered.

'I'm no foolish fool!" Naruto exclaimed loudly, walking in the opposite direction of the road.

"Stupid idiot! The road is that way!" Sakura shouted, banging her metal fish over Naruto's head.

"Ow, even though I should have a major concussion and should have a cracked skull and my head should be bleeding profusely I'm going to try to give a witty come-back to that. Why did you do that? I was just being myself!" Naruto argued.

"That's why we all love you," Sasuke said sarcastically.

"You love me Sasuke?" Naruto asked, leaping in the air and throwing his fist up victoriously. "I win the bet! I got you to fall in love with me! Hahahahaha!" Naruto cheered.

"I was being sarcastic, idiot," Sasuke said dryly.

"Oh…well…then… I can still win the bet! Just give me two more hours and I'll have you where I can win the bet!" Naruto said.

"But why in heavens name did we come up with this bet, old bean? It is quite simply in bad taste!" Sasuke exclaimed Britishly.

"Because everyone in the village thinks we should be together!" Naruto replied.

"I believe you are thinking of our dear neighbors, the Fandomians. They just love to talk about our love lives as if we were just some figment of their imaginations!" Sasuke exclaimed in his angry British accent.

"But don't you love me?" Naruto asked.

"That is a matter for another day," Sakura said. "Come on, we need to hurry to our picnic! I even made us all ramen sandwiches!"

"Yay!" Naruto exclaimed, though he was dubious of the sandwich part.

"That just sounds wrong," Sasuke said, his regular accent returning due to his disgust for this sin against nature.

"Well, they're quite nutritious," Sakura said. "But we'd better hurry or it'll get dark before we can eat."

"So? We have camping supplies," Naruto said.

"We don't want to be sleeping with ramen sandwiches with us! It could attract the demon vampire pirates!" Sakura exclaimed.

"The who?" Naruto asked.

"The demon vampire pirates! They love ramen sandwiches!" Sasuke replied, shuddering at the thought of the devious crew.

"Oh…well let's eat them up before they smell them!" Naruto said, grabbing the basket and setting out a red and white checked picnic blanket and placing the basket gently on it.

The three plopped down on the blanket and started to munch on their snack. Well, everybody but Sasuke, that is.

Suddenly, the air went still and the sounds of the road area silenced. They then saw a large boat come through a foggy curtain.

"Oh no! It's the demon vampire pirates!" Sakura screamed.

"But they don't sail during the day!" Sasuke exclaimed. "What the fizzle are they doin, homey?" This new development was making him feel a little gangsta.

"They're coming for our sandwiches!" Naruto exclaimed. "We have to save them!"

"Then you have to eat all of them, Naruto!" Sakura shouted. "You're the one who loves ramen so much!"

And Naruto ate the sandwiches, and the demon vampire pirates continued sailing off into the distance.

"We're saved!" Sakura shouted gleefully.

"We's cool, homeys!" Sasuke gangsta'd.

"I feel sick," Naruto groaned.

"Well damn, you didn't have to poison the kid," Sasuke said, moving away from Naruto a bit.

"Whoops. I guess I forgot to mention that I put some banana in mine," Sakura replied.

"Why the hell would you want banana in a ramen sandwich?" both Naruto and Sasuke asked.

"Because I think I might be pregnant."

"What?" Naruto and Sasuke screeched.

"Yeah…" Sakura blushed.

"Who in the world would want to have sex with you?" Sasuke grimaced at just the thought of that.

"I would!" Naruto chimed in.

"No, seriously, who would want to have sex with you?" Sasuke asked again, ignoring the bouncing Naruto with his hand raised like a little school child wanting to answer a question.

"Kakashi," Sakura blushed.

Immediately Naruto fainted while Sasuke looked at Sakura with disgust.

"You had sex with him? Isn't he a bit…fatherly...for you?" Sasuke asked.

It was then that Sakura realized her sin.

"Oh my god! I had sex with my father!" Sakura gasped and then she took out a kunai and tried (I repeat tried) to do a Naruto moment, "With this I shall rid me of this terrible, incestual child!" Sakura exclaimed but before she could stab her stomach, Sasuke caught her hand.

"No, no child," He said like an old granny, "You mustn't do that, you'll bleed to death," Sakura lowered her kunai, "Now, child, your child is a wonderful blessing to all that is the earth. It will be raised as a great ninja and then will become a wonderful parent just as you will be," Sasuke said once the kunai was lowered all the way.

Sakura burst into tears.

'Thank you so much Sasuke," Sakura cried.

"But now we must go and find Kakashi," Naruto said, sounding much too mature for a twelve-year-old idiot. "I would like to make sure he takes care of his child like he's supposed to."

"Wait, weren't you unconscious?" Sakura asked.

"I woke up sometime during Sasuke's grandmotherly speech."

"Oh. Well, then maybe we should go, though I have plenty of blackmail material to guarantee that he'll take care of it," Sakura said.

"You mean other than the fact that he committed statutory rape?" Sasuke asked.

"Well, not quite," Sakura said. "But I do have some photos that resemble statutory rape between him and Naruto."

"Then how come you didn't ever threaten me with those?" Naruto asked.

"Because you'd probably get a kick out of 'em," Sakura said. "They wouldn't be effective against you."

"Well… let's see them, shall we?"

"Why? Do you want to see how you look with Kakashi?" Sakura teased.

"What about me?" Kakashi suddenly said, popping up from behind a bush.

"You stupid idiot!" Naruto cried, lashing out at Kakashi.

'What did I do?" Kakashi asked, dodging the attack easily.

"You are her bab—," Sasuke clamped his hand over Naruto's mouth before he could say anything else.

"I'm her what?" Kakashi asked curiously.

"I'm pregnant," Sakura said flatly.

Kakashi laughed. "How could you be pregnant? We never—," Kakashi stopped mid-sentence and then nearly fainted.

"And you told these two numb-skulls before me?" He asked.

"They asked why I wanted to eat bananas in a ramen sandwich and so I had to tell them," Sakura said weakly.

"Oh shnugmuffins, I understand," Kakashi said, pulling her into a hug.

"Thank you muffybear," Sakura said, leaning into the hug.

'So Sasuke, since the Fandomians won with them, why don't we let them do that with us? I mean, look how happy those two are!" Naruto said, wrapping his arms around Sasuke's neck from behind.

"No," Sasuke said flatly, untangling himself from Naruto's grasp, "Because it just wouldn't work," Sasuke continued when he saw Naruto open his mouth to protest.

"Yeah, you're right!' Naruto said grinning, "I was just seeing if you were actually gay! I mean, the Fandomians seem to think you are and all…"

"I. Am. Not. Gay!" Sasuke yelled.

"Thank you Sasuke for telling us that so loudly. I'm sure that the whole village knows by now," Kakashi said, a smile evident in his eyes.

"Whatever," Sasuke said emo-like.

"Go be emo on your own time, we have to get a baby's room ready and the clothes and…" Sakura rambled.

With each word Kakashi got paler and paler. At the end he shook his head and looked at the two boys, "Maybe I should have listened to my health teacher when he said to wait until I got married to have sex," he groaned.

"Good luck," Sasuke snickered, patting Kakashi on the back.

"Yep, she hits really hard when she's angry, think about a pregnant rage…" Naruto said in sympathy.

Kakashi went even paler. "Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into?"

"Well, you're the one who decided it would be a good idea to get drunk and–"

"LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Naruto and Kakashi screamed.

"-And with that metal fish, too! You are just so kinky!" Sakura exclaimed.

"LALALALALA- wait, what about a metal fish?" Naruto asked.

"Oh, I'll tell you later," Sakura said airily. "It's quite fun if you do it with–"

"LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Sasuke shouted.

"Yeah, I'll let you know how to do it so you can try it out sometime," Sakura finished. "But for now, we should go to the village and get junior's new room set up! We'll keep the baby in your place for a while, I don't think its grandparents will be too happy just yet. And we'll paint the room baby blue, that's a good neutral color…"

"Can I be the godfather?" Naruto asked.

"That depends. How good are you at baking cookies?" Sakura asked.

"Well, I can learn by then. It shouldn't be too hard–"

"No! I want cookies now and if you want to be involved you'd better be the one to make them!"

"Oh, okay," Naruto said. "Then I'll go and see what I can do."

"Make sure you use peanut butter, oatmeal and bananas!" Sakura shouted after him as he ran off.

Naruto ran off to bake cookies and Sasuke decided to help him so that the whole village wouldn't be burnt to a crisp.

"So Sasuke…what type of person likes peanut butter, oatmeal and bananas cooked together into an ooey gooey mass of dough?" Naruto asked, looking through the recipe book trying to find a peanut butter oatmeal and banana cookie recipe. Surprisingly, he found one.

"Some pregnant lady I suppose," Sasuke replied.

Naruto checked the cookbook's cover to see what it was called.

"Hey Sasuke, why do you have a 'Pregnant Lady's Guide to Cooking'?" Naruto asked, looking at Sasuke.

Sasuke blushed and looked away.

"Don't tell me you've had to house a pregnant lady here," Naruto joked.

"Try two…or three…or twenty…" Sasuke muttered.

Naruto's smile dropped. "Were they all yours?" He asked.

"Yes," Sasuke said, "And three of them had twins."

Naruto nearly fainted again.

"So you have…" Naruto began counting on his fingers, "twenty three kids?" Naruto asked.

"No, twenty two and a half," Sasuke replied.

"Um…a half?" Naruto asked.

"Well, I got hungry…" Sasuke trailed off.

'You ate a baby?" Naruto squeaked.

"Mmmm, tasty," Sasuke said, remembering the taste of the fresh flesh and the blood that stained his teeth for ten days, making everyone think he ate too many tomatoes.

"Whose was it?" Naruto asked, his mind reeling.

"Hinata's," Sasuke shrugged.

It was then that Naruto fainted for the second time that day.

Ed looked around and frowned. Here he was, in some village filled with ninjas, and he had no idea what to do. He eventually turned to Al.

"Hey, Al, what are we supposed to do here?" he asked. It was then that he noticed that Al had his body back.

"Brother! You have your arm and leg back!" Al cried joyfully.

Ed looked down at himself. "Wow, it's incredible! Is this for real?"

"Yes it is," Kakashi said with a smile in his eyes. "But just so you know, everyone in the village has now seen you naked."

"Huh?" Ed asked.

"Well, you two have been standing here for like a day, and you haven't exactly been wearing clothes."

It was then that both Elric brothers passed out due to embarrassment and got poofed back into their own world.

Meanwhile, Kakashi was wondering why Sakura was waving a camera with an evil grin on her face.

She walked up to Kakashi a moment later and hugged him. "Well, muffybear, shall we see how the cookies are coming along?"

"Sure thing, shnugmuffins," Kakashi replied, and they went arm-in-arm to Sasuke's house.

"Well, it smells delicious," Sakura said.

Kakashi was grateful that he had his mask. Man, did it reek. They went inside and into the kitchen, where both Naruto and Sasuke were passed out on the floor. Sakura opened the oven door, and sure enough, her cookies were baked to perfection. She grabbed a nearby cat to protect her hands and retrieved the cookies, ignoring the cat's pained yowls and screeches as she placed the cookie sheet on the countertop. Then she placed the cat in Kakashi's arms, and Kakashi eagerly took the chance to escape with the burnt cat.

It was then that Sasuke woke up, and he immediately covered his face to keep from smelling the putrid stench of peanut butter oatmeal banana cookies.

"What happened to you boys?" Sakura asked.

"Oh, um… we were doing aerobics?" he replied.

"Oh, I see," Sakura said as she got a cookie off of the sheet and cooled it with her pregnant ninja powers before taking a bite. Sasuke decided it was time to go to the bathroom.

"No… don't eat my baby…" Naruto muttered in a half-conscious daze.

"Umm, is Naruto, umm, pregnant now too?" Sakura asked when Sasuke came back.

She had heard Naruto mutter the same thing over and over again for the past twenty minutes and wondered what had taken Sasuke so long in the bathroom. In truth, Sasuke was all too eager to disappear from the house altogether, but then he remembered his teammate still inside and realized that he'd have to retrieve the boy before he died from the noxious fumes.

"No, he's just having dreams about when he gets a girlfriend and she gets pregnant and then gives birth to a yummy—er—beautiful baby and someone tries to eat it," Sasuke said quickly.

"Oh, that makes sense," Sakura said, eating another cookie.

"I need to talk to Naruto for a moment…" Sasuke said, grabbing the passed out Naruto and dragging him out the door and dropped him into a water trough that was somehow placed next to his front door.

"Not my baby you fiend!" Naruto screamed before realizing the he was in a water trough and Sasuke was glaring down at him.

"Not so loud, only Hinata knows my secret love for newborn flesh!" Sasuke hissed.

"Oh…" Naruto said, getting out of the water and drying himself with his ninja powers.

"Yeah…so…where to now?" Sasuke asked.

"I don't know, I'm not the one who dragged me out here!" Naruto screeched.

"Oh so you want me to put you back in there?" Sasuke asked.

Naruto went on his knees and began to beg Sasuke, "No! No more torture!"

"Okay, okay, sheesh," Sasuke said with a sigh.

"Thank you!" Naruto grinned.

"Yeah…" Sasuke grimaced, thinking of how he would be stuck with Naruto for the rest of the day.

Kakashi and the cat were out buying cute little outfits for his unborn child when Kakashi heard the sounds of cows in the distance. When he listened closer, he realized that it was just Naruto groaning. Realizing that the poor guy was probably sick from the stench of the dastardly cookies, Kakashi decided to take the boys out to a fancy French restaurant before realizing that France didn't exist in his world. Instead, he settled for taking them out to a local restaurant.

"Man, if I ever have to sniff bananas again, I am going to jump off a cliff," Naruto muttered as he recovered via ramen-eating.

"I'll be right behind you," Sasuke added.

"Mrowr," the cat added.

"You said it, Tiger," Kakashi agreed. "The next eight months are going to kill me…"

"Serves you right for getting to her before me," Naruto muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Tiger asked.

"Nothing."

There was a brief silence, in which Naruto ate, Kakashi petted his new cat, and Sasuke wondered how the cat could talk. Then there was a crash in the distance, followed by a scream, followed by more screams and crashes, a few waves crashing upon the shores, a chorus of screeching monkeys, a misplaced yodel or two, and shouts. The three ninjas jumped to their feet and ran outside. The noises were continuing, and they seemed to come from Sasuke's house. Sasuke wasn't too happy about the fact that he'd left Sakura in his house, but he ignored that fact for the moment. He could always angst about it later.

They arrived outside to see Ino passed out on the ground. Sasuke tossed her into the trough, and the three men looked down at her as she awoke.

"Kakashi, you fiend!" she shouted. "You stole my love!"

"She loves me better than you!" Kakashi retorted.

"Maybe so, but it's still your fault! And now thanks to you, she's been kidnapped by the vicious demon vampire pirates of the Firebbean!"

"WHAT?" all three male ninjas screamed.

"Yes! She was taken!"

"We must save her!" Kakashi shouted. Naruto and Sasuke nodded, and they went to Kakashi's house to plan their rescue.

The three men tiptoed through the dense forest in the dead of night. No, they did not have any lights; they could see just fine without them, they are just that special.

"Y'all we need some grub for the trek across the plains," Sasuke said.

"Sasuke, since when did you become a cowboy?" Naruto asked.

"Quiet, partner, we have some impertaint busy-ness to take care of," Sasuke said, placing his thumbs in his belt loops. Yes, now Sasuke has belt loops.

"If you don't keep it down, we'll all get caught stealing a ship from the shipyard," Kakashi hissed.

"We have a shipyard? Aren't we surrounded by land?" Naruto asked, scratching his head.

"It's Culture Week, everything is possible," Kakashi said with a shrug.

"Oh, okay, that makes sense. I thought the land was moving," Naruto said, nodding his head.

Little did they know that the demon vampire pirates of the Firebbean were known for their ship that could not only cross the seas, but also grow wings or feet or a moustache, depending on where its crew wanted to go. The ship's name was _Billy Joe Bob the Slayer_, but everyone just called it _The Slayer_ because they were lazy bastards. The ninjas walked down to the shipyard and picked a nice ship with a whole bunch of slaves in the brig, but Kakashi freed them in exchange for their services on a life-threatening trip to save a darling beauty.

They sailed through the seas to the port of Rot Rojo Rouge. Ed was onboard for about half an hour, but he was still naked so he decided to poof back home. In the meantime, Naruto, Sasuke, Kakashi, and Tiger were making their plans for when they would catch up to the demon vampire pirate ship, which wouldn't happen because the ship was floating somewhere over the Sand village at the time. Nevertheless, they were determined to bring these demon vampire pirates to justice. And get Sakura back. Though Kakashi was considering delaying their plans for seven and a half months, and Tiger wanted Sakura to die a very painful death.

They walked through the town of Rot Rojo Rouge for several hours, talking to the locals in the hopes of hearing about their target, but nobody seemed to have heard of the demon vampire pirates of the Firebbean. It wasn't until Tiger met with a bunch of drunken kitties that they learned where they needed to go. They then sailed back to the west, though Sasuke nearly drowned several times on the way. He angsted about it as they walked through the Forest of Death once again.

"Well, we made it back, but still no bananas," Kakashi said and then, along with Sasuke, Naruto and Tiger, he grimaced and tired not to think about the horrible cookies of doom.

"Yeah, well…maybe we should rest by that tree over there?" Naruto suggested.

"You mean the one that has a canopy that looks like a boat?" Sasuke asked skeptically.

"Yep," Naruto nodded.

Suddenly light bulbs flashed above each of their heads.

"I get to climb first!" Tiger exclaimed, brandishing a sharp claw.

"Why can't Sasuke? He's always bragging about how good of a ninja he is," Naruto complained.

"You just want to see me die, don't you?" Sasuke asked, rolling his eyes.

"All you are is an emo anyways," Naruto shrugged.

"Nuh-uh!" Sasuke exclaimed childishly.

"Yuh-huh!" Naruto countered.

The two began to say that over and over again while Kakashi and Tiger watched.

Kakashi and Tiger looked at each other and rolled their eyes.

"No," Kakashi butted in, "Tiger can distract them easily."

The two boys looked at him before saying at the same time. "Oh."

"Yeah, that's right, 'oh'," Kakashi said, "Now up you go," Kakashi said to Tiger, who clenched the tree's bark and began the treacherous climb upwards.

As Tiger arrived onboard the _Slayer's_ deck, he watched carefully for any signs of diseased pirates. Of course, he didn't know much about the various diseases that demon vampire pirates could have, but he did know that he didn't want to become a demon vampire pirate kitty. The stench of piratedom was pretty nasty. He licked the burn scars on his side for good luck before jumping onboard.

"Nurrrrr it's a kitty," one of the guards exclaimed.

"Nurrrrr we must capture it and toss it in the brig," the other one said.

"Nurrrrr let's do it, then," the first said before grabbing Tiger and tossing him down into the brig. The three ninjas snuck onboard while this was going on and disguised themselves as pirates.

"Well, now that Tiger's been captured, shall we initiate part two of our super-secret ninja plan?" Naruto asked.

"Sure, why not?"

"ATTENTION ALL PIRATES, WE HAVE BEEN INVADED!" shouted a random demon vampire pirate.

"Oh noes! We must pretend to be locals!" Naruto exclaimed. And so, he and Sasuke dressed like Pintel and Ragetti, while Kakashi disappeared. The two teenage ninjas stood in the midst of the crew, acting like demon vampire pirates as they avoided being seen by the inspector man.

Meanwhile, Tiger was staring angrily at Sakura and hissing at her on occasion. Sakura was trying to wash off her skin, which was now a pale grey, and thus didn't notice the cat that she'd nearly killed. It was only Tiger's love for Kakashi that kept him from mauling her with his manly kitty claws right then and there.

"Wait until she has the baby, wait until she has the baby, wait until she has the baby…"

"What was that?" Sakura asked, finally looking up.

"Nothing. Get dressed, milady. We're taking you somewhere safe," Tiger said with a flourish and a bow.

And so they left the brig and wandered their way up to the deck of the boat where Sasuke and Naruto were fighting.

"Whoa, those boys really get into their parts!" Sakura said as she heard the boys speaking only in pirate terms.

"Come now, we must get you to your love," Tiger said, trying not to maul Sakura so that she was faceless.

"Kakashi!" Sakura gasped, thinking of all the pleasures she'd have when she got home.

"Yes, yes, Kakashi…" Tiger said idly, not noticing the grey color of skin that was creeping up Sakura's neck.

"Alright!" Sakura shrieked.

Suddenly, the rest of the ship turned to see the two trying to escape.

"Get them!" Growled one of the demon vampire pirates.

"No!" Naruto yelled, having the ship turn to him.

"Yeah…mateys… we should let them go!" Sasuke agreed.

"They're the ones! They are the outsiders! Get them!" The demon vampire pirates yelled all at once, running after the retreating Sasuke and Naruto.

"What about us?" Sakura called after them, feeling sad that all the attention was off of her.

"Don't call them back! Just run!" Tiger hissed, pushing the girl away for eyesight.

But it was too late. The demon vampire pirates heard Tiger's yowls and yodeling (he was feeling a little Swiss that day) and turned to face them. But then suddenly, a pirate with a bandana, dreadlocks, a ridiculously piratey outfit and a mask showed up. Of course, it was pretty friggin' obvious that it was Kakashi, but nobody wanted to hurt his feelings since he'd been working on the costume for so damn long.

"You know that these young scalawags are of no use to you and that you are just being silly by attacking them, savvy?" Kakashi said.

"Man, that has got to be the worst Jack Sparrow impression I've ever heard," Tiger muttered under his breath.

"Aw, my little Jackashi is so sweet…" Sakura sighed. "It just makes me want to take him into a dark corner, take off those ridiculous pirate pants, and–"

"LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Tiger screamed.

"But why wouldn't we want to keep them?" one of the demon vampire pirates asked, ignoring the side conversation between the crazy pregnant girl and the cat who wanted nothing more than to rip out her intestines and force feed them to her. Of course, since Sakura was pregnant, she could very well like the taste of her own intestines, but that would just be downright creepy.

"Because, mate, they're very annoying little buggers, savvy?" Kakashi said, er, asked.

"But they'd be such great additions to our crew! We hardly get any young people around here anymore," another demon vampire pirate said.

"They're needed elsewhere, savvy?" Kakashi said.

It was then that the captain came out and challenged Kakashi to a round of Insult Sword Fighting. Kakashi began with the classic, "You fight like a dairy farmer!"

Meanwhile, during the fun of Insult Sword Fighting, Sakura, Naruto, Sasuke and Tiger were trying to escape.

"I flippin' hate these squeaky floorboards," Naruto muttered as they tried to tiptoe toward the exit.

"So do I…hmmm…I'm hungry!" Sakura said obliviously.

"Then eat your shoe or something!" Tiger growled, but he had a smirk on his tiny face; the thoughts of shoe-poisoning were far too entertaining to ignore.

"Ooh! Shoes! Never tried that before!" She exclaimed and took off one of her shoes and started nibbling on it. She tasted it a few times before shrugging and saying, "Tastes like chicken."

Sasuke groaned. He was with a bunch of lunatics!

"Sakura, put that stupid shoe back on or else I will have Naruto carry you!" Sasuke said.

"Eeeek!" Sakura shrieked before hastily putting her shoe back on.

"Hey! I take offence to that!" Naruto said.

"Do you really want to carry me and all my pregnant-ness?" Sakura asked.

Naruto slowly paled; he was going to get hurt no matter what he said.

"Erm…no…" Naruto said finally.

Sakura hit him over the head with her fist.

"What did I do to deserve that?!" Naruto asked.

"You called me fat," Sakura sniffed.

"Did not!" Naruto countered childishly.

"Did too!" Sakura argued.

"Nuh-uh!" Naruto said, crossing his arms.

"Yeah-huh!" Sakura said, mimicking Naruto.

"Guys, just shut up! If we're going to get out of this, we need to be quiet!" Sasuke hissed.

But tragically, it was at that moment that some drunk guy stumbled into Sakura and knocked her down. On her stomach. On a spike.

"MY BABY!" Sakura shouted.

"FING BADGERS KEEP PUSHING ME AROUND!" the drunk guy shouted.

"MY GODSON!" Sasuke screamed.

"LIKE HELL YOU'LL BE THE GODFATHER!" Sakura snapped.

"CAN I BE THE GODFATHER?" Naruto asked in an unnecessarily loud voice.

"SURE!"

"YAY!"

"BUT IT'S FING DEAD!" Sakura shouted back.

"Not just yet," a mysterious voice said mysteriously.

"Whatever do you mean, mysterious voice?" Naruto asked.

"If you become a demon vampire pirate, then your child shall live," the mysterious voice said in a less mysterious tone.

"If I… Just me?" Sakura asked.

"Yes. Though your lackeys can join you if you'd rather be matching."

"Well, I do love matching disfigurements…" Sakura said dreamily. "Okay. It shall be done."

"Excuse me?" Sasuke asked angrily.

"Shut up you baby-eating fiend!" Naruto snapped, hitting Sasuke over the head with a carp.

"Then it shall be done," said the mysterious voice.

"What about Jackashi?" Naruto asked.

"Eh, he's got the pirate thing down pretty good. We'll leave him alone."

"Alright!" Naruto shrieked and raised his hand up in the air triumphantly, "Now we can become special without him!"

Sakura hit him over the head with her fist and growled at him for insulting her boyfriend/baby-daddy.

"Don't insult him! He's special on his very own! Like when he nibbles on my lips and makes me feel a tremor up and down—"

"_Whatever_ he does we don't care," Naruto said quickly before Sakura could go into the full blown details of her kissing Kakashi; the thought still disturbed him after all, "Let's just be glad that your baby will be fine and that we will become demon vampire pirates!"

"Yay! Demon vampire pirates!" Sakura cheered.

"What?!" Sasuke yelled, looking back and forth between his friends. They had to be crazy to want to become demon vampire pirates.

Sakura and Naruto chanted 'We're going to be demon vampire pirates, yeah!' over and over again while dancing in a conga line.

"As delighting s this display of excitement is" the mysterious voice said, sarcasm dripping from each word, "We need to hurry up on making you guys one of us; we don't know how long we have before it will be too late."

"Wait! What if I don't want to be one of you?" Sasuke yelled in the middle of the cheers and screams coming from Sakura and Naruto.

"Too bad," Sakura shrugged and Naruto flung Sasuke over his shoulder to make sure he wouldn't run off.

And so, the mysterious voice, who turned out to be Jorgen Von Strangle, turned Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke into Nauseating Naruto, Sassy Sakura, and Sad Sasuke. But these names were only known to Jorgen Von Strangle, who was very annoyed by these puny ninjas who didn't appreciate his gigantic muscles.

Then the pirates all had a great party, and Jackashi showed off his dreadlocks and bad breath and Sharingan. However, the party was abruptly over when Sakura started screaming. It was then that everyone realized that this party had been going on for several months and Sakura was going into labor.

"Hooray for the newest addition to our clan!" one of the demon vampire pirates shouted.

"Like hell I'm gonna let my baby grow up on a pirate ship!" Sakura snapped in between contractions. The baby came out not long after, and Jackashi immediately did all the stuff you're supposed to do with a newborn baby and used his non-demon vampire pirate prowess to get him and Sakura and their baby off the ship.

Naruto and Sasuke were left to clean up after that raging party.

"So… what kinds of abilities do we have now?" Naruto asked once they finished cleaning up.

"Demon vampire pirate abilities, of course," Captain Hook replied. "What did you think?"

Naruto glared. "That doesn't help at all."

"Whatever," Sasuke said, his voice and posture full of angst. "Let's just get out of here and figure that out later."

"Oh, no, you don't!" Hook screamed. "Throw these two in the brig!"

Naruto and Sasuke gasped in harmony as they were dramatically surrounded by old-fashioned cartoon-type pirates who had obviously practiced the art of surrounding someone because their left feet all stepped forward at the same time and they had these comical expressions of anger or gleeful smirks or whatever they're called on their faces and they all had weapons in hand and there was dramatic music playing in the background and this is an incredibly long run-on sentence so I'll just stop now.

Then, all of a sudden, the ship blew up, and Alucard started shooting everyone. Naruto and Sasuke were kidnapped by a goat in the confusion, and for seven days lived their lives in a pasture before they were returned to Konohagakure. Then they dedicated their lives to whatever they'd dedicated them to before, only now they were doing so as DEMON VAMPIRE PIRATE NINJAS OF THE FIREBBEAN!

The end.

If you could tell who wrote which part, then good for you. Hope you enjoyed this travesty.


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